Sunday, April 7, 2013

Marriage is the equivalent of cooperation should I do? 50/50?

Request written by brooke: should marriage be an equal partnership? 50/50?

my best friend, who is now married, and i can’t seem to come to terms about marriage. we were both brought up in christian households, but have different takes on marriage. i believe that in a marriage all major decisions (purchase of homes, cars, etc.) should be made together or at least discussed. she says she is his “helpmate” and he makes the decisions…for example, he comes home one day with a new car, they didn’t talk about geting a car, he just showed up with one. now a couple years later its time for a new car, this time it was discussed, but it wasn’t the car she wanted, and the car she wanted cost less than the one he bought. vacations, they go where he wants to go, and it’s usually the same place every year. she hardly ever goes to visit her family anymore just his. holidays they go to his parents house, and if she does visit her family for they holidays it’s just her, not her and her husband, and it’s usually just for a short visit before they go to his parents house.

am i wrong to think this is odd? does it seem to anyone else that she does all the giving in this relationship?

That’s things to know about should marriage be an equal partnership? 50/50? you may should certainly clear up issues alone. With a little luck this can help in several ways… and also make your own life greater. Desiring things to know about should marriage be an equal partnership? 50/50? should be the most efficient later in life.

Best answer:

Answer by Howdy

yes marriage is 50/50 you give 50 she takes 50

Answer by rockstarn77

Wow. She sounds like a housewife from the 50′s. I think it’s 50/50…totally. Everything. From major purchases to raising kids to housework. I’m not a slave any more than he’s a dictator.

Answer by cobrasnake

You are 100 % right.

Answer by bahjij6

You’ve illustrated above how different marriages operate. Whatever works for that couple. It’s not up to us to judge either of you. If your marriages work–just ENJOY…..

Answer by Zaku

Yes it should be a 50/50, sounds to me like she is not her own person if she does/goes along with everything he wants/decides.

One day she will realize that she hasn’t been true to who she is and it will be too late.

But yes, she should absolutely have a say in things, I mean what fun is it to be around someone who has no opinion and who always just does whatever you want? Sure it sounds great, and you would like it for a while….but it gets old really fast, I know.

Answer by Baby

yes 50/50

Answer by fifs_c

your friend sounds like she is under the thumb! it is no longer the dark ages, wasnt that what the feminist movement was all about…….so women could be equal to men?


Nope, 50/50 means that you are filling in where he/she lacks…. In a marriage you both need to bring 100%/100% That way you never have run in’s. It sounds wierd but even if your married you need to be completely single. You have to be a whole person so that you never have problems….

Answer by zabba33

Other than to raise kids the right way, the only real reason to be married is to make your mates life as enjoyable an easy as possible and viseversa.

Answer by inmate3685

maybe she needs to be alittle more aggressive and speak up. In my op ion she is letting him make all the decisions. She needs to make her choices and wants known

Answer by Sarah

Yes I do think that marriage should be an equal partnership, although I’m not married yet and don’t plan to be in the near future. I think that all decisions should be discussed, it is ultimately the mans decision but all decisions should be discussed.

Answer by sassynsweet1221

Oh, no….He’s wrong. She needs to see her family sometimes too. But big purchases like cars and houses ARE a decision both must make. Vacations are a must for both to decide. Otherwise it will be HIS vacation. She needs to talk to him and if he still wants to decide the vacation, she just needs to take her vacation at home (without him) or use her vacation time to go see her family. This is a divorce waiting to happen if she doesn’t start talking to him and he doesn’t’ start listening.

Answer by Katie W

I believe a marriage is a 50/50 relationship where each party gives 110%.

That said, any major decision should not be made until the couple discuss the matter togeather and come up with a viable solution or compromise if they don’t agree. If they agree, then there is no problem. Marriage is a team, and a team works togeather.

Answer by Quas

I always thought that was the ideal path to a true and happy marriage, but these days, it seems people marry without accepting half the responsibility of their actions or even talk them through before marriage to avoid complications later.

I think that the wife you are talking about should try and speak her mind about certain things, while agreeing with everything to what the husband does is one thing, but after a while, seems to take the personality out of someone that the wife would be a mindless drone.

If you want her to be happy, ry talking about it with her, I’m guessing the last thing you want to see is her being happy and the marriage falling apart.

Answer by .itsme.

I believe that the husband should be the head of the household but not frivolously making purchases without both coming to an agreement. Major decisions should be made together. Perhaps they are happy with the way the marriage is going. As for me I wouldn’t be. I think that I’m with you on this one.

Answer by Jewlz

Yes, by all means marriage “should” be a 50/50 deal, but nowadays most marriages are mostly balanced more to an 80/20 equation. It’s sad when you really think about it, but it is true. Most marriages today are dominated by competitiveness between the two parties involved. Which side of the family do we spend the most time with, or what should be on the dinner menu!

Answer by hisemiester

No, you are not wrong in that sense. All decisions should be made together. You are wrong about a marriage being 50/50 though. A marriage is a 100% give from both sides, expecting nothing in return.

Until my first wifes death, we were married 37 years and never had a fight.

Answer by Xander R

its 50/50 for me, but its her choice if she wants to live that way, and if she dont like it yet continues to live that way, its her fault, if it bothers her, she needs to say something, especially about the family issue.

Answer by irish_keg_princess

Marriage is 50/50. She needs to stand up for herself, and do things that she wants to do. He’s not her boss, but she’s putting up with it, and it’s her own fault for letting him think that it’s ok to make all the decisions and not care what she wants or thinks.

Answer by layla

I believe that he just runs over her but it is obvious she does not care. She must think she is not important enough to do things. He may make her feel like she isn’t and may mentally abuse her or she just likes it better that way. There is a reason she stays with him and she may feel like she is loved the best thing if she is not getting hurt is to just accept that she loves him and is not gonna leave right now.

Answer by YouGotTold

It is sad when women think they have to be subservient to their husbands wills so they can think the are being good Christian wives. Marriage is a partnership. All decisions, especially those that are very important like those like you mentioned, should be decided upon together. Helpmate? She supports him, yes, but not be dictated to by him, other wise, what is the point of her offering her advice? She is isolating herself from her family in exchange for him. She is surely becoming a shadow in her own marriage. This isn’t ancient times, and the the laws of the Bible regarding the rule of marriage are not the decrees of God, rather they were the tribal laws of the times.

Answer by why

It does appear she does most of the giving but I don’t believe marriage can or should be 50/50. First when you truly love someone there is no need to keep score. Also, if there must be a split, it should be more like 80/20 on both sides. It is always more blessed to give then to receive even in a relationship. If both parties work toward making the other one happy they will end up being happy themselves. As far as your friend’s situation, it sounds like you are more dissatisfied with her marriage then she is. Perhaps if makes her happy to make him happy. I agree he could be less domineering but for that to happen she will have to become more assertive. They say opposites attract. I personally prefer your thinking but we can’t push our views on others unless they want to change. Best wishes to you and to your friend.

Answer by j05gemini

even housewives in the fifties were respected by their spouses and got to visit their families> is she happy with this arrangement? with him making all the decisions including where to go for vacation? and what does she tell her family about why he doesn”t come to visit?

the definition of marriage is decided by the couple involved> my first hubby was just like your friends husband> controlling beyond belief> i wasn”t happy and would stand up for myself> he called that nagging at him> so my new hubby (of eight years lol) and i talked long and hard about our expectations in a relationship before we even moved in together> we agree that we want a partnership> we want to make most decisions together and certainly ALL major decisions like vacation and auto purchases. but its all about what works for the couple. if your friend is truly happy with this set up and that is how she was raised then let it go and be there for her.

remember too that the BIBLE and some Christians believe that the woman is to “serve” the man…which means he calls all the shots and she has to be subservient….believe it or not, some woman like their life that way.

Answer by Rebeccamarie

OMG! I had a friend just like this. It really shows just how immature your friends husband is. Marriage is what you put into it to make it work. Give and take from both partners, and I disagree that the husband makes all the major financial decisions. Because the spending and lack of finances will always effect the home and relationship. If the wife doesn’t have a say in what kind of vehicle is purchased, then the husband should pay for his financial obligation without further involving her finances. Does he love her? It sounds like he loves himself more! He sounds very selfcentered, and very selfish, just like my friends husband. What about the wifes opinion and what she wants. Sounds like she has low self esteem to value herself and her wants, needs and desires. She’s obviously not getting it from her husband!

Answer by Marc W

You can’t answer this with a definate Yes or No. The way every relationship is structured is going to be different. If your friend is happy with the relationship she is in, allow her to be happy and don’t criticize. If you believe marriage should be 50/50, then find a mate that has the same view.

Personally, I believe a relationship has to be somewhat unbalanced. Otherwise, no decisons or progress is ever made. Judging from your post, you’re likely the dominant person in your relationships and therefore can’t relate to how your friend can give so much.

Answer by ~StepfordWife~

Thankfully, she’s the one that married her husband, not you. All marriages are different, and from what you say, it sounds like she’s content with things the way they are. If she’s not feeling controlled, then who are you to judge?

I believe that a traditional marriage, where the husband leads, is the best way. But, what works for my marriage wouldn’t work for yours. In my home, my husband makes all the major decisions – but he asks for and respects my input. If there’s a disagreement, I’ll usually defer to him. But, if it’s something I feel strongly about, he’ll defer to me if it’s not important to him. However, I make all the “small” decisions – you know, raising the kids, finances, decorating, budgeting, etc. Submission is a choice I’ve made, and it works for my marriage. Many women view me as weak, but I think it takes a strong woman to submit to her husband.

I don’t agree with the 50/50 thing – no marriage will ever be totally equal. One partner tends to have a more giving nature than the other, and keeping score rarely works. I’d rather give more than have a power struggle over the 0.02% that would make it a 50/50 split.

I tend to view your friend’s take on marriage – that she is his helpmate, and he is the leader. However, I do agree with you that he seems to take advantage of her submission. We don’t know the details – if she seems happy and it works for them, just agree to disagree. But if she seems depressed, or there may be abuse going on, then keep communicating with her on the subject, and let her know you’re there for her if she needs your help.

Answer by free_angel

That’s what’s wrong with this marriage, she thinks it should be 50-50 and he acts like it’s not. It should be 100-100, they both need to give it their all. She shouldn’t consider herself as his “helpmate” they both need to be one another’s equal.

Answer by K S

I would never enter into a relationship that was less than a partnership. This helpmate concept seems to indicate that his judgement is better and more important than hers and that he, in general, matters more. That doesn’t make sense to me. What matters is that it works for them though. It’s not your marraige, it’s hers. If she wants to be his helpmate, than the best to them.

Answer by Owen E

Your friend sounds like she is in a controlled marriage and she just follows suite. You are right in the aspect of marriage

it is to be a shared 50/50 partnership things of significant importance should be discussed and decided on as a couple

buying a new car when in impacts the house finances and everything else is one of those things that needs serious discussion. If he is controlling vacations and all that then if I were her I would just go get some tickets to a place she wants to go and tell him if he doesn’t want to go with me I’ll take one of my lady friends. He is a controlling a ss and well your friend is to scared of the thought of losing him if she stands her ground and asks to be respected and communicated with on all big decisions.

As for family maybe he is to ashamed to be around her family because of the way he treats there daughter and sibling.

Answer by vanhammer

Everyones marriage is unique to the 2 people involved. If it works for them then who’s to say it’s wrong? Personally I think marriage is a partnership. My wife and I talk about everything. Every purchase, we make the grocery list together even. And I do help with the housework. We share all the responsibilities and work great as a team. We support each other and sometimes she works at it a little harder and some days I do. It all works out for the good of the marriage.

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Marriage is the equivalent of cooperation should I do? 50/50?

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